Pathetic.

I've never been a girl who needs, or even wants, a boyfriend.  I've been perfectly great single, I am very good at it, and I like who I am by myself.  But there is the occasional moment--like one I had tonight--where I look at my life and realize I've never had a significant relationship in my life.

This doesn't bother me, I'm only 19, but part of me feels like it should bother me.  I feel guilty, like I should try harder, like I should care more.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing to work on, but being in this hyper-dating atmosphere has definitely made it happen.

I'm studying--sort of--and so are all of my roommates.  Only Shelby (or as I call her, ShelbyandRyan) is at Ryan's, Brad came over to study with Emily, and Amanda has her friend Tyler over.  I am alone.  Which is fine.  I always study alone.  In fact, it's hard for me to study with other people.  I get distracted and get absolutely nothing done.  But for some reason studying alone tonight felt utterly pathetic.  So what did I decide to do? I went out with Amanda and Tyler to study.  And got absolutely nothing done.

Why? Did I want to get to know Tyler better? Not even a little bit.  Did I think being the third wheel would make me feel more connected to people? Maybe, but that was foolish.  All I know is, here I am, ready for bed, having done nothing but spend my evening on the couch with people I don't even really care about so that I wouldn't be pathetic.

That's pathetic.