Embarassing

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how vulnerable writing makes you.  Listening to CJane talk about how she allows herself to be so open to the world and then lets the cards fall where they may is inspiring...but also intimidating.  I'm not so worried about crossing the line writing about other people.  I'm very sensitive to others, and I would be hyper-sensitive when writing anything about them.  I would never write anything bad anyone, even if I tried.

Me on the other hand...well, I'm pretty worried about embarrassing myself.

I do a lot of dumb things.  Most of the time I recognize they are dumb, but feel the need to do them anyway, because life would be boring if I didn't. I'm not talking about truly dumb things, like doing drugs or playing with matches.  No, when it comes to safety I am always on the ball...sometimes to a fault.  But when it comes to social situations, or trying new things, or being involved, I go all in.

The fashion club is having modeling auditions? I sign up.  Accessibility week is going on? Get me some crutches.  There's a costume contest this Halloween?  You better believe I'm dressed up as Ginny Weasley (while she was possessed by Voldemort, no less, with bloody chicken feathers coating my hands and hair, and bags under  my eyes.) I'm easily enthused. I have an obsessive personality. I'm in love with with attention. Generally, I find this to be a good thing.  But looking back on my life and thinking about recording it has me shrinking in my chair.  Writing down things that happened is very different than doing them spur of the moment.  It requires thinking things through, and having others read those thoughts.

I don't know why there is such a difference for me doing things, and then talking about doing them. But it all just seems so private, and I'm not even talking about weighty issues.  I'm just talking about petty college girl issues. But I am scared.

I don't know how I am going to keep those insecurities from limiting my writing.